(EXPANDED FROM 4/2/2021)
Newly declassified intelligence documents show how a crash program by American automakers to switch to eggcrate grilles for their 1972-73 models thwarted a space alien invasion.
The strategy worked so well that no trace of the extraterrestrials was left, according to top Pentagon officials. Until now the government has never acknowledged the threat of the invasion nor the strategy for repulsing it, which was dubbed Operation Eggcrate.
“I’m glad to see a generation of great automotive leaders finally getting credit for their heroic actions,” said Winston Howell III, long-time publisher of the industry trade journal Automotive Views. “Without the declassification of these documents, Americans would never have known how Detroit saved the day.”
The most dramatic part of the news is confirmation of extraterrestrial activities in the United States. However, the release of information on Operation Eggcrate may also change the way historians look at the automobile industry in the 1970s.
Revelations roil auto history field
“This is big news,” said Dick Woolworth. The author of The Biggest Book of Cars added that the declassified documents settle a major controversy.
Previously, the most widely accepted theory for the sudden burst of eggcrate grilles on 1972-73 American cars was what sociologist Vince Pickard called “oligopolistic conformity.” That term referred to a sharp rise in “me-too” car designs once General Motors and Ford Motor Company captured more than 75 percent of the market in the mid-50s.
“Operation Eggcrate proves that Pickard’s soft-headed, nanny-state liberalism has been completely debunked,” said Woolworth.
Pickard acknowledged that the revelations would require some rewriting of his classic text, How Detroit Was Lost. However, he still thought that oligopolistic conformity led to the widespread use of opera windows and crushed velour upholstery in domestically designed automobiles during the 1970s.
‘This is our last hope,’ Kissinger wrote
Intelligence documents show that each of the domestic automakers was approached in May 1971 by high-level Nixon administration officials. In top-secret meetings, Secretary of State Henry Kissinger called for a crash program to install eggcrate grilles on as many 1972 models as automakers could manage. This represented an 11th-hour effort because tooling had already been ordered for 1972 models, which were due to be introduced in only four months.
Formerly top-secret documents show that the National Aeronautics and Space Administration discovered that eggcrate grilles on the Apollo 13’s lunar lander saved it from an attack on the Moon in July 1969. Researchers hypothesized that the shape of the grilles created an energy vortex that disoriented and ultimately killed extraterrestrial soldiers.
Kissinger approached the U.S. automakers after intelligence agencies intercepted messages from space that an invasion of Earth was planned for early 1972. Landings would primarily be on the U.S.’s interstate highways because of their flat surfaces and easy access to fast food.
Nixon administration high officials decided that installing eggcrate grilles on as many automobiles as possible was the most promising line of defense.
“We do not know if this will work,” Kissinger wrote in an internal memo. “However, all other options appear to be insufficient. This is our last hope.”
As it turned out, the eggcrate grilles did indeed thwart the invaders. A second round of grilles were installed on some 1973 models to ward off a second but smaller attack. However, because the extraterrestrials were invisible, American drivers never knew that their cars were saving humanity from subjugation.
Not all automakers contributed equally
American automakers responded to the crisis with varying levels of enthusiasm. General Motors contributed the most vehicles to the effort, with Ford close behind. Tiny American Motors actually offered more eggcrate grilles than much larger Chrysler Corporation.
High-level executives at Chrysler balked at governmental demands for new grilles, arguing that it was impossible to make changes so close to the introduction of 1972 models. Chrysler grudgingly volunteered to change a few grilles — and in rather half-assed ways.
Intelligence reports later found that Chrysler executives secretly planned to exploit the shift to eggcrate grilles by instead using other styles that the market might like better. Ironically, eggcrate grilles proved to be popular and Chrysler lost market share in 1972-73.
The U.S. government did not approach foreign automakers because intelligence reports detected extraterrestrial infiltration. The Datsun B-210 was pointed to as an example of a car design that would not have been possible without space alien influence.
Suppliers strained to meet demand
The 11th-hour switch to eggcrate grilles posed daunting problems for major suppliers. Because of their shape and density, this type of grille can be grown in only one part of the world — the Scottish highlands. A dramatic increase in their production taxed the ability of a fairly small number of farms to meet demand.
In keeping with local traditions, eggcrate grilles have always been harvested by Scottish maidens between the ages of 12 and 16. However, the increased demand meant that the existing labor pool was totally inadequate. Thus, local farms decided to import hundreds of teenage boys from Scottish cities.
According to declassified documents, this posed significant logistical issues. For example, initially the farms experienced a dramatic increase in the defect rate of grilles.
“All of a sudden we had grilles with stray round holes in them,” wrote a federal intelligence official. That problem was only solved when the farms allowed co-ed activities in the dormitories secured for the effort.
Lack of evidence results in skepticism
The most remarkable aspect of Operation Eggcrate was that its existence did not leak out until documents were made public this morning. Reactions have been varied.
Political scientist Kent Dolbeare expressed amazement that the Nixon administration didn’t release information about the attack in order to distract the public from an escalating Watergate scandal.
“I don’t think we would see a repeat of such statesmanlike behavior today,” lamented Dolbeare.
Celebrity Dianne Fenwick was surprised that she hadn’t heard about the space invasion before. “My psychic friends are usually on top of this kind of stuff.”
Others were more skeptical. “Talk about moronic,” said Paul Knowles, publisher of the popular auto history website, Old Car Farts. “I had a ‘72 Vista Cruiser for years and it never got rid of the space aliens in my garage. So I used a blow torch.”
A prominent psychologist also found the news hard to believe. Dr. James William said, “If there really were space aliens, wouldn’t they have left a few little chunks of moon cheese on my Cadillac?”
He added that if Sigmund Freud were still alive he might quip, “Sometimes an eggcrate grille is just an eggcrate grille.”
William paused, put down his pipe and knowingly added, “Well, except when there’s a stray round hole in it.”
“I never heard a word about Operation Eggcrate when I was asked to redo the grilles for the Ambassador and Javelin in the spring of 1969,” said retired American Motors designer Bob Gerald. “I do remember being frustrated when I was told I had to come up with a design just like a Chevy’s. I thought, why can’t we stop copying them for a change?”
“Well, now I know,” Gerald concluded. “If my old boss was still alive I’d apologize for calling him a pathetic square.”
NOTES:
This satirical story was originally posted April 1, 2020 and expanded on April 2, 2021 and March 20, 2023. For further discussion about what is real, go here.
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Did American automotive egg crate grills begin with the 1955 Motoramic Chevrolet ripping off the Ferrari egg crate grills ? Maybe that’s when the aliens infiltrated Detroit !