The interchange between U.S. Highway 101 and Interstate 5 running north is an asphalt monument to automotive freedom. This river of highway descends from the elite cliffs of Olympia, Washington’s westside into its more plebeian downtown.
What we have here is a lengthy two-lane affair up until shortly after it merges into I-5. Then the right lane disappears. Meanwhile, an on-ramp also flows into the disappearing right lane.
Navigating this interchange is drama free most of the day. Well, at least as long as you accommodate the occasional car merging from your right. But during rush hour, advanced civilization tends to break down.
A few “early adopters” use the right lane to cut in front of dozens of vehicles. Traffic slows each time a cut-and-run artist forces their way into the surviving lane. As traffic slows, more motorists join in the fun. When this goes on long enough traffic grinds to a halt. At that point cutting and running become the preferred mode of vehicular self expression.
It’s only a matter of time before this mayhem causes collision-inflicted injury or death.
Social scientists know little about this behavior (e.g., see Buttocks, 2015; Chu Mei, 2010). Even so, they describe its practitioners as asss-hoolles. This term originated with the ethnographic documentary, Meet The Fockers.
For present purposes, asss-hoolle does not designate everyone who engages in cutting and running. Penske (2016) excludes emergency situations such as getting quickly to the ER, meeting with the governor or arriving before a spouse’s surprise birthday party.
In addition, Bong (2017) does not view accidental offenders as asss-hoolles. In our neck of the woods these populations primarily include librarians distracted by audio books and confused motorists from the local retirement community.
Review of the literature
What drives people to become asss-hoolles has been the subject of heated debate within the field of psychology. One school of thought focuses on the role of narcissism. According to Leery (2001), the narcissist behind the wheel is fixated on his or her own convenience and indifferent to the plight of other motorists.
In contrast, Rockefeller (1996) argues that kick-the-dog syndrome plays the biggest role in asss-hoollery. People who are pushed around all day may feel a sense of power when gaining an advantage over other drivers. Indeed, the longer the line of cars getting cut off, the more satisfying the action.
A more recent school of thought argues that asss-hoolles are hiding from their anxiety closet (Breathed, 2016). They fill their waking hours as much as possible with thoughts, actions and caffeine so that they can avoid dealing with feelings they find scary.
Advocates of this school of thought believe asss-hoollery is an exercise in self-medication. If the driver had to wait in traffic even a few extra minutes, that could cause dangerous anxieties to escape. This could lead to an auto accident without the presence of a licensed therapist. These mental health practitioners do not provide mobile sessions due to insurance billing restrictions.
This is why a growing number of policy analysts have advocated that our state create a new kind of disability permit. When properly displayed on the rearview mirror of a car, holders of a VAH-3A permit would allow its recipients to legally engage in anti-social behaviors such as cutting and running if under the care of a therapist. (Note that hitting other vehicles or using a firearm to shoot at other motorists would still be against the law.)
Conclusion
As we have seen, the psychology literature helps us better understand asss-hoolles. However, it does not help us very much to keep advanced civilization from collapsing during rush hour at the 101 / I-5 interchange.
Here we must turn to the field of deep ecology for the most far-reaching solutions: the elimination of the automobile (Carnegie, 2001), a reversion to hunter-gatherer societies (Kunstler, 2014) or “co-evolutionary, post-Mayan, thermal-nuclear, population re-stabilization” (Kaczynski, 1990).
A more modest proposal in keeping with the technocratic worldview of our capital city might be the closure of the interchange’s right lane. That way no one can game the system once they enter the interchange. The unused lane could be transformed into a peaceful Zen garden of plants and rocks and birds and things.
In addition, a nearby rest area with an on-call therapist could be created to assist those motorists experiencing anxiety attacks due to the slower pace of one-lane traffic.
How would we pay for all of this socialistic extravagance? I’m thinking that a small carbon tax would make the most sense.
With these simple steps, we could stop the collapse of civilization at the 101 / 1-5 interchange. Wouldn’t that help restore your belief in the basic decency of motorists?
CORRECTION:
Dickus (2014) was incorrectly cited as assessing research on asss-hoollery. The correct citation was Buttocks (2015), who has found said research “analytically turgid” and “rather juvenile.” My apologies for any confusion this error may have caused.
This is an updated version of a story originally posted December 7, 2017.
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