On the death of a child and car buffery

Curbside Classic Publisher Paul Niedermeyer (2023) announced that one of his sons lost a “decade-long struggle with severe addiction yesterday.” Most auto buff websites would likely have not brought up such a painful topic unrelated to cars, but Niedermeyer has never been afraid to challenge the overly narrow conventions of our field.

Will Niedermeyer’s death is a reminder that life can be all too fragile, short and difficult. And when a child dies relatively early in life from an addiction, that can be particularly hard on their parents.

Mark Redmond (2023), the director of a family services program in Vermont, says that every parent should know that addiction “can happen even in what appears to be the healthiest and most loving and supportive of families.” This is why he tells parents not to assume they have failed.

“There are so many factors that go into why one person travels down this path and another does not,” Redmond (2023) stated. “Why that happens, it could be genetic, it could be that particular child’s disposition to risk, really, no one knows. I do think that as we learn more about neuroscience in the coming decades, some of these things will become clearer to us, but in my mind there will always be some element of mystery to it.”

Former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Luther Murthy has called for a “cultural change in how we think about addiction. For far too long people have thought about addiction as a character flaw or a moral failing. Addiction is a chronic disease of the brain and it’s one that we have to treat the way we would any other chronic illness: with skill, with compassion and with urgency” (Schumaker, 2016). 

When that phone call finally happens

I have known two sets of parents whose young-adult sons struggled with addiction. The parents spoke of the roller coaster of recoveries and relapses . . . and the constant worry that when the phone rang it could bring bad news. This turned out to be true with one couple.

Their son died from tainted drugs. He did so in a train tunnel that his dad walked past every day on his way to and from work.

There’s no way to paint a happy face on that picture. It was a tragic end to a kind and thoughtful young man whose dedicated parents did everything in their power to help. For example, they cashed out a significant portion of their retirement funds to send their son to a well-regarded rehab center. He checked himself out of it the day he turned 18, thus beginning another relapse cycle.

It’s now been two years since their son died and both parents still have some tough days. One thing that has helped them to process their grief was to launch a local initiative that provides more coordinated care for others like their son. It’s heartening to see how generously the community has responded to their efforts.

My wife, who is a mental health counselor, often says that whatever grief one doesn’t process will stick around like a dark cloud. That has not been an easy lesson for me to learn because I grew up in a family that ignored grief. It’s much easier to escape into car buffery.

I hope that Niedermeyer treats himself kindly and patiently during his grieving process. This too shall pass.

Share your reactions to this post with a comment below or a note to the editor.

---

RE:SOURCES

• Niedermeyer, Will; 2023. “COAL: Daewoo Leganza — The Korean Lexus.” Curbside Classic. Posted May 11.
• Redmond, Mark; 2017. “Addiction can happen to any family, and parents need to know they didn’t fail.” The Washington Post. Posted June 22.
• Schumaker, Erin; 2016. “Surgeon General Vivek Murthy: Addiction Is A Chronic Brain Disease, Not A Moral Failing.” The Huffington Post. Posted Dec. 9.