Jason Torchinsky and company lampoon ‘what-if’ cars at The Autopian

The bad news is that Jalopnik hasn’t been as interesting since Jason Torchinsky departed. The good news is that he helped launch an even quirkier car-buff media outlet — The Autopian.

How weird is The Autopian? So weird that Torchinsky (2022) has argued that one of his website’s “greatest resources is a strange, almost unnatural ability to attract talented people and convince them to do dumb things for us.” In that particular case, Torchinsky was introducing a post about a “what-if” car design: An Oldsmobile for old people.

Imagine: A car that never seems to die

A car specifically designed for the elderly is an intriguing idea given the aging of the U.S. population (Caplan, 2023). The Bishop, the name given to the mystery designer Torchinsky (2022) commissioned, approached this “what-if” exercise with tongue-in-cheek creativity. For example, the slogan he gave to his proposed 2004 Oldsmobile Saffire is a “Car For Life.” This “implies safety and longevity even if it REALLY means this piece of shit will be your LAST CAR, a vehicle that will eventually be handed down to disappointed grandkids like with Dodge Darts in my generation.”

The imagined car’s unusual features include easier entry and exit due to electrically operated clamshell doors, swiveling front seats, and grab rails above the doors. The dashboard is easier to see due to extra-large gauges, and there is even a retractable scooter carrier and integrated oxygen tanks.

Torchinksy (2022) concluded the article by saying that a true olds’ mobile was inevitable. “Some carmaker is going to come out with a car that directly addresses the needs of older drivers, not just with luxury or status, but with the actual, unglamorous but practical answering of specific old-people needs (2022, original italics).”

Imagine: A Studebaker with an NSU wankel

The Bishop has dreamed up other what-ifs, such as a modernized Checker cab (Torchinsky, 2022a). However, my favorite is a rotary-engined Studebaker.

The fun begins with The Bishop’s (2023) headline: “Let’s Imagine If Defunct Automaker Studebaker Had Saved Itself Using NSU’s Rotary Engines.” The whole premise is hilariously absurd, but The Bishop presents his proposed line of Studebakers with dutiful earnestness.

The quality of drawings is much better than Frank Peiler’s. In addition, his design ideas remind me of Popular Science on drugs. Who wouldn’t want to drive a car with a dashboard that looked like the cockpit of a 747? I don’t know if The Bishop was trying to be serious, but he shows how the Avanti’s design language could have served Studebaker well for years if the automaker had survived.

Also see ‘Making fun of automotive history’

In the comment thread, The Bishop (2023b) acknowledges that “the rotary was a disaster and likely would have done them both in. If the rotor seals didn’t do it, then the poor gas mileage would have.” But he had a solution of sorts for that: “In my mind, if I had to do a next gen, Studebaker would get into supercharging or turbocharging small piston motors to combat the fuel crisis.”

It’s all good clean fun, but I sense a hint of nihilism at the core of the joke. Yes, auto history media deserve to be made fun of because we too often function as vapid infotainment for bored retirees (usually in the quest to sell your eyeballs to advertisers). If we took history a wee bit more seriously, might we learn from the past how to think smarter about future?

Oh, never mind — pass me another beer.

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RE:SOURCES

• Caplan, Zoe; 2023. “U.S. Older Population Grew From 2010 to 2020 at Fastest Rate Since 1880 to 1890.” U.S. Census Bureau. Posted May 25.
• The Bishop; 2023. “Let’s Imagine If Defunct Automaker Studebaker Had Saved Itself Using NSU’s Rotary Engines.” The Autopian. Posted Oct. 9.
• Torchinsky, Jason; 2022a. “A Trained Designer Imagines What A 1980s Checker Cab Could Have Been Like During New York’s Shittiest Era.” The Autopian. Posted June 6.
• ——; 2022b. “I Made Our Daydreaming Designer Imagine An Oldsmobile For Actual Old People.” The Autopian. Posted June 23.
• The Bishop; 2023a. “Let’s Imagine If Defunct Automaker Studebaker Had Saved Itself Using NSU’s Rotary Engines.” The Autopian. Posted Oct. 9.
• ——; 2023b. Comment in “Let’s Imagine If Defunct Automaker Studebaker Had Saved Itself Using NSU’s Rotary Engines.” The Autopian. Posted Oct. 10.

PHOTOGRAPHS:

• Boeing 747 cockpit photo by Norio Nakayama, Wikipedia Creative Commons 2.0.
• NSU Ro 80 photo by Claus Ableiter, Wikipedia Creative Commons 4.0.